The Weight of My Worth

I stopped weighing myself daily almost two months ago. Deep down inside, I knew it was an unhealthy habit for me since I allowed the number on the scale to dictate my initial thoughts and feelings of the day. Nonetheless, I justified my actions, fearing I would let myself go and gain back all the weight I had lost over the years if I didn’t keep up the practice. But then Liam said something one day that made my heart sink. At only five years of age, he was becoming a little too concerned about his own weight.

Right then, I knew I had to change. I needed to break free from the lies I was believing so that my children would not also be held captive to these same false thought patterns. The next morning, I steered clear of the scale though temptation beckoned me to step onto it several times throughout the day. The second day was much the same, and by day three, I silently tucked the scale away to try to silence the temptation, but the struggle was still the same. These simple acts merely brought my deep-seated issues to the surface. The battle had just begun.

The following weeks forced me to recognize just how much I had put my worth in my weight, but God also gave me clarity during that time to recognize some of the reasons for which this stronghold formed in the first place. Crazily enough, the enemy took details from my birth to begin to form false perceptions about my body in my mind. Whenever my mom would tell people how much I weighed at birth (she gave birth to me naturally without an epidural, so it was no small feat!) people were always so shocked by how big I was, and their responses added to the insecurity I already felt as an overweight child.

The enemy didn’t stop there, however. His deceptive narratives continued to coil themselves around my young heart, trying to suffocate me. And naively, as a baby Christian, I accepted them to be true.

Today, as I consider my story so far and the battle that has been waged regarding my worth, I’m forced to face the fact that I have allowed these parasitic lies to roam freely within me for far too long. Fortunately, things don’t have to stay that way, and by God’s help, they won’t.

Recently, I’ve recognized just how much God has been helping me to be aware of my thoughts throughout the day. Before, my own self judgment over a number on the scale would have been in my mind front and center, keeping me from hearing the fainter yet equally harmful thoughts penetrating my mind. But now I hear those ideas clearly and am learning to take them captive so that they will not take captive of me. This whole process is showing me a whole host of thoughts from which I must repent and other areas of my life where I also need to be free.

In addition to seeking to be mindful of my thoughts and any falsehood therein, I am also trying to establish a right relationship with food. Lately, I try to focus on health and hope that my children will learn to make that their motivation when it comes to eating and exercise too. It’s not to say that I’m giving up sweets, but I try to limit my intake and to better listen to what my body needs. These new habits, in turn, are teaching me more about walking with God and trusting that He will help me to be healthy if I surrender this area of my life to Him. He wants to help me. He wants to give me wholeness in every area of my life. So, I continue on, perhaps stumbling at times but learning along the way, because nothing can compare to true freedom and the abundant life made possible in Him, and those things will be mine when I find my worth in Him alone.

I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well.”

Psalm 139:14 ESV