Colleen James

Tag: motherhood

  • Boast in This

    The certificate my son received for being on the “A” Honor Roll, with a picture of a golden apple on it.

    I walked into the school cafeteria a minute before the awards ceremony began and searched for my son, who was sitting somewhere on the floor past the rows of parents seated at the lunch tables.

    Somehow, I had missed the memo about this awards ceremony until the night before and had to cancel plans to celebrate my birthday with friends the next morning, which made me feel bad. I hated to cancel on them so late, and I was also a bit disappointed to have to postpone the celebration. Still, there was no way I was about to miss this awards ceremony if I could help it. I wanted my son to know that, after God, he and our family came first.

    A few minutes into the program, I got a better idea of where Liam might be, so I strolled over to the other side of the room, stopping to stand within his direct line of vision once I had spotted him.

    Being the shy kid that he is, he mainly stared at the floor that morning, but when he dared to look out into the sea of faces, his gaze met mine,  and suddenly, his eyes brightened as the broadest smile spread over his face.

    “That’s my mom!” he excitedly told his classmates as he pointed to me. I could hear him from the opposite end of the room. And although none of them seemed too interested in this news, his sheer happiness over seeing me compelled him to tell them all the same.

    I fought back tears of joy that morning as I watched my son’s reaction to seeing me.

    I felt so deeply honored that Liam would want everyone around him to know who I was, and I felt humbled, too. The truth is, I’m very aware of my shortcomings as a mom. That morning, however, Liam saw me as the best mom in the world because I had shown up for him at this event. He felt loved. He felt happy. And he felt proud to have me as his mom.

    As I reveled in this tender moment, I couldn’t help but think about how much we, as believers, must please God when we respond to Him as my son did to me that day. He “shows up” for us all the time,  because He, in fact, is always with us.
    When we recognize His presence with us,  albeit through how He works in our lives, through His Word, or through the glorious work of His hands, how do we respond?

    Are we quick to tell others around us “that’s my Dad!” even when we are met by the apathy of others? I pray God will help me to be that type of woman.  I want to overflow with joy and excitement over knowing God and knowing He is with me.

    At one point during the awards ceremony, some parents crowded around Liam to take pictures of their own children getting awards directly behind him, which obstructed his view of me. Determined to keep me in sight, however, Liam simply hunched over to look at me through the forest of grown-up legs separating us. It was yet another tenderhearted moment which has only come to mean more to me in light of these spiritual ponderings.

    The truth is, I was there to recognize Liam for his achievements that day. That was the whole point of the ceremony–to focus on and honor the students who had obtained some sort of academic achievement. And yet Liam just wanted to keep me in focus the whole time and to boast about having me as a mom.

    This life will afford us all opportunities to be recognized for some reason or another–graduations, promotions, weddings, births, and personal goals and achievements met that others will notice and celebrate. But as we are recognized and applauded in these important life moments, may we never lose focus of our Father. Let’s strive to see Him in the midst of distractions that would try to obstruct Him from our view. Because, as many things as there might be for us to take pride in, they all dim in comparison to the joy and beauty of knowing God and knowing that He has claimed us as His own. That is what we should really boast about.

    But let him who boasts boast in this, that he understands and knows me, that I am the Lord who practices steadfast love, justice, and righteousness in the earth. For in these things I delight, declares the Lord.”

    Jeremiah 9:24 ESV

  • To the New Mama

    Photo by Kailash Kumar on Pexels.com of a shepherd in a pasture with his sheep

    To the New Mama

    Go on up to a high mountain,
        O Zion, herald of good news;
    lift up your voice with strength,
        O Jerusalem, herald of good news;
        lift it up, fear not;
    say to the cities of Judah,
        “Behold your God!”
    10 Behold, the Lord God comes with might,
        and his arm rules for him;
    behold, his reward is with him,
        and his recompense before him.
    11 He will tend his flock like a shepherd;
        he will gather the lambs in his arms;
    he will carry them in his bosom,
        and gently lead those that are with young”

    Isaiah 40:9-11 ESV

    We read the passage above in Sunday school yesterday, and that last verse transported me back to a time when my firstborn was a newborn and I was learning how to be a mom. I have tender memories of those moments now, but the learning curve of motherhood was a steep mountain to climb, and those first few cold, wintry nights with a newborn seemed interminable to me.

    It was during that time that I truly understood the phrase “to drag oneself out of bed.” I would hear my baby crying in the wee hours of the morning, and it took all the strength and sheer determination I could muster to drag myself out of bed. Throughout the first month or so with little Liam, I prayed for God to make each day a little easier for me. Then, in the months to follow, I begged Him to cause Liam to sleep through the night so that I could get some much-needed sleep!

    I hope I’m not painting too bleak of a picture here—especially for the women who have yet to become moms. I loved my baby boy so deeply. He was so cute and sweet and precious, and he would continue to win my heart over and over again in the months to come as he learned how to smile and then started to coo and then crawl and walk and everything in between. Nonetheless, I quickly learned that motherhood, especially at this stage, was exhausting, and I sure didn’t have the energy I thought I should for it!

    It was somewhere around the time that Liam was born that I stumbled upon the last verse mentioned above, and in my sleep-deprived, foggy brain, I was immensely encouraged that God would gently lead those with young. The truth is, I needed that leading so much. I felt vulnerable and completely incapable of making simple decisions on my own. So, to know that God was tenderly leading me and looking out for my young family and me brought a lot of comfort to my heart back then. I wasn’t alone in this new journey of motherhood. God’s eyes were upon me, gently guiding me and protecting my family and me along the way.

    When I think back to when I first became a mom, it encourages me to share this verse with any woman who may be experiencing the same things as I did. As lonely as motherhood might seem (especially in those initial days), God has not abandoned us in it. As huge of a responsibility that it is, we can cast all our cares on Him, because He cares for us (1 Peter 5:7).

    Sleep my not come for a good while in those early days (It sure didn’t for me with my youngest more recently!), and we may suffer the effects that exhaustion often brings. Still, God’s outpouring of love and compassion will still be there. His eyes will still be upon us in each joy and sorrow. And He will tenderly guide us like a good and loving shepherd, because He is the one who gave His own life for His sheep.

    “I am the good shepherd. The good shepherd lays down his life for the sheep.”

    John 10:11 ESV

  • God’s Presence in Motherhood

    Picture of my hand holding my son’s

    Recently I’ve been reminded of how lonely motherhood can be. I first realized it when my oldest son was a newborn, then again only a year later when he was diagnosed with an illness that nearly lasted that entire year. And now I’m recognizing this truth once again as I cradle another new baby in my arms. In these early stages especially, it is easy to feel left out as I am forced to step away from fellowship at times to tend to my little one and his needs. Motherhood can be lonely, but it doesn’t have to be.

    I took Liam to the park a lot the year he got sick. It seemed like a safe place to enjoy fresh air, have fun, and to be around relatively few people considering germs were a concern.

    Nearly every day, I would push him back and forth on the baby swing since it was the only thing he liked about the park at the time. And nearly every day, as the morning faded away, a small band of women would stroll into the park, their toddlers in tow, as they set up lunch together under the shaded picnic table just yards away from the swings. It never seemed to be the same group of women, but it was always the same scene—a small group of women eating lunch together and enjoying each other’s company as their children played.

    As I watched this scene unfold day after day, I started to feel more and more sorry for myself. Seeing these different women each day reminded me of the social activities that I had been forced to give up in order to protect my son’s health, and I felt so isolated, left out, and alone. But as I was sorting out these thoughts one day while mindlessly pushing my son on the swing, I felt God’s presence especially close to me, and I sensed Him whispering to me how much He enjoyed being with me.

    The thought caught me off guard and made me want to cry, in all honesty. Up until that point, I had subconsciously (and mistakenly) been believing that just because I couldn’t invite a lot of people into my life at that time, few people really wanted to be part of my life. I saw all the hard things about that season and easily assumed that most people couldn’t or wouldn’t enjoy being a part of our lives because of those hard times. But God reminded me that day how much He enjoyed being present with me—in the hard seasons as well as the good ones, and everything in between. He enjoyed being with me in each and every moment because He loved me, and I was His.

    Recognizing these things brought so much healing to my heart that day, and thinking about it now helps me to see motherhood in a different light today. Although I may have to step away from others to tend to my baby, I’m not stepping away from God. And although my conversations with others may be so full of interruptions that I may not even get to finish a thought, God discerns my thoughts from afar (Psalm 139:2). He delights in this season in which He has placed me, and He has given me ways to connect with Him in the roles and responsibilities to which He has entrusted me. I just have to keep remembering how present He is with me at this time in life, especially when I can’t be present with others like I would like to be. And I have to trust that these moments of separation from others are ways in which He is sanctifying me, calling me into fervent prayer and a deeper dependence on Him. He is with me. He is with us. And ultimately, it is His fellowship that we need.

     O Lord, you have searched me and known me!
    2 You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
        you discern my thoughts from afar.
    3 You search out my path and my lying down
        and are acquainted with all my ways.

    Psalm 139:1-3 ESV

  • I’ve Been Keeping a Secret

    As the title states, I’ve been keeping a secret. But since a picture is worth a thousand words (or so they say), I’ll let the following pictures do the talking.

    Picture of me holding a sign announcing my pregnancy

    “April Showers bring May Rainbow Babies. Ours due May 3rd, 2023.” Picture from late October 2022, the day I gave my mom this painting.

    Picture of my baby bump and building blocks that say baby
    Image of building blocks spelling boy
    My most recent picture at 31 weeks!

  • Rock Collections

    Liam and I sometimes play a game on our morning walks, unbeknownst to him. We generally play it when he takes rocks from his “rock collection” with us. When this happens, I try to leave as many rocks as I can alongside the pathway where Liam got them in the first place. Liam, on the contrary, tries to take even more rocks home with us. The winner is determined by how many rocks return with us in the end.

    This game probably sounds simple, but I have discovered over time that it requires skill and an element of sneakiness if I am to have any success. In order to dispose of the rocks, I must do so without getting caught. Liam makes a big fuss about it otherwise (Apparently, he is already a sore loser! Haha!). He, on the other hand, gets to collects all the rocks he wants right under my nose! I honestly don’t have much choice in the matter unless I want to deal with an upset toddler. Thus, we play the game, and I try my best to be stealthy as we play.

    So far, I have won a few games, but Liam has won quite a few too. I’m not too concerned by my losses, however. I know that I will have the final victory when all is said and done. It might take months or even years before this happens, but I will win in the end and claim the title of champion once and for all. It is only a matter of time.

    Recently on one of our walks, I was thinking about how easy it is to still have collections as adults, and although they may seem more sophisticated than a pile of rocks, they can be equally as burdensome.

    Anxiety. Worry. Fear. Insecurity. Guilt. Shame.

    These are just a few that come to mind, but a person’s collection is certainly not limited to them. There are a number of things we can collect over time, and we don’t even need a walk around the park to find them. Life in general is enough to make these collections possible. Fortunately, God offers a solution to these burdens. It all comes down to casting our cares on Him.

    Cast your burden on the Lord,
    And He shall sustain you;
    He shall never permit the righteous to be moved.

    Psalm 55:22

    And similarly, in the New Testament:

     Humble yourselves, therefore, under the mighty hand of God so that at the proper time he may exalt you, casting all your anxieties on him, because he cares for you. (Italics mine)

    1 Peter 5:6-8

    I don’t remember talking to my parents much about my problems growing up. I’m sure I did from time to time, but I was the middle of five children, and with all the busyness of living within a big family, there wasn’t a lot of time for one-on-one moments with them.

    I had a great best friend, however. We met when we were eight years old, and as we got to know each other better over the following months and years, she learned to recognize when something was wrong with me.

    Although my natural tendency was to want to hide my problems or push them aside, she wouldn’t let me. She was very insistent that I tell her what was upsetting me each time an issue arose. It took a lot of patience and persistence on her part, but eventually I would tell her what was bothering me.

    Over the years, it got easier to tell her what was on my mind. She had proven to me time and again that I could trust her with my problems. She was willing to listen, and she was kind and understanding toward me whenever I told her what was wrong.

    When I think of casting my burdens on the LORD, I am reminded of how well my friend listened to me and cared for me in those times. What really amazes me, however, is to recognize that the kindness, compassion, and care she showed me is just a tiny fraction of the kindness, care, and compassion that God has for you and me.

    He longs for us to bring our concerns to Him. He already knows them in the first place. He’s completely aware of all the items we are carrying around in our adult version of a rock collection, and when we bring each piece to Him, He can help us to deal with each issue and ultimately be set free.

    Although the world, our enemy, and our own sinful flesh would cause us to try to collect more burdens over time, let’s remember that we have a very real Ally that is willing and ready for us to cast our burdens on Him. We don’t have to add to our collections anymore. We can, in fact, dispose of them, and we don’t even have to be sneaky about it! No matter how long it may take to deal with our issues, and no matter how often they may arise, we can take heart in the fact that, in Christ, we will have the final victory when all is said and done. In the end, we will truly see that we have won because we are “more than conquerors through him who loved us” (Romans 8:37). But while we wait for that day when we will never know any burden again, let’s continue to cast the ones we have on God. Let’s get rid of some rocks today.

    Follow Up Questions:

    Do you have a friend like the one I described? If so, what makes it easy to share your problems with that person? How are those traits a glimpse of who God is and how He cares for us? Let’s pray that God would help us to recognize all the more how willing He is to listen to us and that we would be quicker to bring our problems to Him.

  • Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

    Love Keeps No Record of Wrongs

    Liam woke up before 6 a.m. for a good chunk of the summer, and it was rough! The first week was especially brutal. I felt groggy most days and had to go to bed early out of sheer exhaustion.

    With new nap problems on top of this, I didn’t have any time to myself. I didn’t write at all that first week, and I couldn’t find the opportunity to relax and unwind at the end of the day either.

    A few weeks into our new “routine”, as I was battling my strong-willed boy to get his socks and shoes on so that we could go outside before it got too hot out, I found myself telling him how I didn’t need him to have a bad attitude. As it was, he woke me up too early again, and I was still irritated about it, so he better behave!

    Not even a minute later, a familiar phrase came to mind.

    Love keeps no record of wrongs.

    It comes from the following passage in Scripture:

    “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.”

    1 Corinthians 13:4-5

    I immediately felt convicted. But to be quite honest, I felt slightly annoyed too. The truth is, I didn’t want to be convicted. I had already sacrificed so much for my son. Did I have to sacrifice my sleep and have a good attitude about it too?

    I called my mom to talk about these issues, and as I expressed my frustration to her, she lent me a sympathetic ear and promised to pray. She also stated something she has told me before—that she believes God would use motherhood to refine me.

    I’ll admit it’s not something I’ve wanted to hear. Being refined through parenting is painful! Fortunately, a friend and I have been reading through a book about motherhood for several months now, and one of the chapters in particular has helped me to see the process of refinement in a different light. It has caused me to recognize that I was seeing refinement through motherhood as a punishment when I needed to see it as a promise of better things to come.

    In all reality, we must be refined if we are to be ready for greater ministry opportunities, responsibilities, or positions of influence in the future.

    Just as a baby has to grow into childhood and then adulthood to enjoy certain activities and opportunities, we also must grow to enjoy and experience all that God has in store for us, and a lot of that growth will take place through refinement. Because of that, we need to see this process as a blessing and gift as we look forward to what God may have in store for us as a result.

    I can’t say that I became an expert on graciously accepting the way God was refining me this summer, but I did learn a few things about how to keep no record of wrongs in the process. They are as follows:

    Confess your feelings of resentment as they arise.

    It was so helpful for me to do this. As I confessed my sinful attitude to God and asked Him to change me, He did. I wasn’t all the sudden the gracious, godly woman I wanted to be, but I was on the right track, so I kept confessing and asking God to work in me.

    Set boundaries.

    Keeping no record of wrongs doesn’t mean we accept any sort of beahvior or action from others. All relationships need boundaries in order to be healthy and thrive. Even relationships with toddlers.

    After that first week of waking up between 5:30 a.m. to 5:45 a.m., I bought Liam an alarm clock that my friend (the one I’m reading the book with) recommended. It looks like a traffic light and is set to red during the child’s bedtime. It then turns green at the time that the child can get out of bed the next morning.

    Although this alarm clock hasn’t kept Liam from waking me up, he’s making progress. Now he takes me back to his room for us to both lie down until the light turns green. It’s a huge improvement in my mind, and I also have to admit that I kind of love watching Liam get so excited over the light turning green each morning. It never gets old!

    Learn to see the process of refinement as a blessing and gift.

    I have a ways to go before humbly accepting the trials and hardships of life and truly seeing the process of refinement as a blessing and gift, but I want to get there. It’s something I need to pray for—that God will shift my perspective to see the goodness of such a “gift” as He prepares me for better things to come.

    The best thing to come, of course, is becoming more like Jesus in the process. May He really help me (and us) to believe and long for that! Nothing else can compare to such a promise.

    Liam is no longer waking up before 6 a.m., and I haven’t been struggling with resentment as much as a result. I’m sure it will someday rear its ugly head again, however, and I want to be ready to deal with it when it does. I’ll continue to pray that God shifts my perspective regarding refinement and that He’ll help me to love my family and others a little more like He does.

    Ultimately, resentment and other wrong attitudes do me no good. So may God help me to choose forgiveness and kindness instead as I continue to learn what it means to keep no record of wrongs. And in the midst of these hard life lessons, may I choose to really believe that refinement is a blessing and gift that always comes with a promise—that the best is yet to come!

  • Sweeping Up Pine Cones

    Sweeping Up Pine Cones

    I was probably on Facebook when it happened. I confess I have been escaping to it far too often nowadays. I finished looking at the image on my screen, then I set my phone down and turned around to investigate the mysterious rustling noise that was following the pitter patter of my toddler’s footsteps.

    I already knew he had a plastic bag by the sound of things. I headed toward the living room, fully prepared to tear it out of his hands and withstand the temper tantrum that would likely ensue. What I wasn’t accounting for was the cluster of pine cones strewn across the tile floor as I made my way towards my son. I had forgotten about the pine cones altogether up until that moment. A friend of mine had given them to me months ago when she learned I was making a wreath. Since I finished the wreath before she could give them to me, however, I stuck the bag in a desk drawer to save for another day—a Christmassy, craft-making sort of day. Unfortunately, Liam had other ideas.

    I let out a slow, audible sigh as the familiar feeling of hopelessness perched on my shoulders and pressed down on me. I already felt exhausted by current news events. An added chore left me feeling overwhelmed. The one true glimmer of hope at the moment was that Liam was due for a nap, so I got him down and grabbed a broom, all the while trying to muster up some energy for the task at hand.

    After picking up the pine cones, I swept up the remaining pieces. As unhappy as I was about the additional chore that day, I was grateful for the decision it caused me to make, which was this: I’m not going to feel bad for having a hard time keeping up with the housework. At least, I’m going to try not to feel bad about it anymore.

    The pine cone incident was the vivid reminder I needed for what I already knew—that my cute little boy is sabotaging my housekeeping efforts. He does so by making a number of messes daily. He also does so by slowing down any progress I make towards a clean home, squirming his way in between me and the kitchen counters when I’m trying to clean them or whining to be held when I’m in the middle of vacuuming. And let’s not even mention the countless number of times he asks for another snack when I’m trying to wash the dishes or sweep the kitchen floor! It’s no wonder household chores can be so daunting!

    I’ve read enough to know that I’m just supposed to say by now that I’ll embrace the mess because my kid won’t be young forever, and memories made with him are far more important.

    I certainly want to make memories with him and am, but I can’t bring myself to embrace the mess. Instead, I find myself thinking of how productive I was before I had a child. Although JJ doesn’t seem to mind that our loveseat has currently become a permanent spot for the latest load of clean laundry or that the sink nearly always has dirty dishes in it, I find myself reminding him of my past glory years as well, the years when I accomplished so much! He nods, unsure of what to say, and I silently wonder what became of the woman I once was.

    Recently, I have realized how unfair it has been to compare myself to the woman I once was. No one would promote a woman to a new role within her company and give her new responsibilities only to expect her to do her former full-time job along with the new one. In essence, this is the expectation I have placed on myself.  Granted, I can’t just promote myself out of the tasks of cleaning and cooking now that I’m a mom. They have followed me into this new role and are a part of it for me. Nonetheless, I can’t assume I should be able to continue at the same pace I did before having a child when the responsibilities, distractions, and obstacles are greater now than they ever were before. This is something I need to keep in mind when I feel a sense of self-disappointment rising up within me. I also need to show myself grace. Perhaps I don’t have to embrace the mess, but I can be a little more accepting of it and patient with myself as I recognize the challenges I face at this stage of motherhood.

    Something else I have recognized is that I do a lot more than I give myself credit for. I’m sure this is true of most moms. At the end of the day, it’s easy to look at our list of chores (or simply the laundry-laden love seat, in my case) and to recognize what we didn’t accomplish. But we fail to remember all the tiny chores we did throughout the day—the yogurt we cleaned off the table and chairs after breakfast, the couch cushions we put back on the sofa several times after our little munchkins kept using them as a trampoline, and the water we wiped off the floor when our toddler insisted on drinking from an open cup. These are all such simple tasks, and yet the house would be a complete disaster if we chose to ignore them.

     Then, of course, there are the tasks we do throughout the day that aren’t a part of the housework but are very much a chore—a chore caused by our children. Some of the more interesting ones involve fishing forks out of the trash, or, worse yet, toys out of the toilet. Or maybe it’s picking out food from a child’s hair. Or the minute task of re-rolling the toilet paper onto its tube. We’ve probably done a lot more than we realize (or can even remember) when the day comes to an end.

    As we head to bed and see all the tasks that we didn’t finish on our way, let’s remember our own moments of sweeping up pine cones. Our days are full of them. As such, let’s give ourselves grace over a messy home and accomplishing less of what’s on our to-do list, because we’re accomplishing more than we even realize.

    Furthermore, let’s also recognize what all we have become in our role as mothers. We are not a shadow of the women we once were. We have become more than what we realize, and we are acquiring new skills all the time on this journey of motherhood.

    What new skills have you acquired as a mom?

    Although my son is only two, I can already think of a small (albeit silly) list of abilities that I have mastered. I have become proficient in the fine art of cutting grapes into quarters, for instance. Moreover, I’ve become such a good tickler that I believe Liam would rate me a ten out of ten if he knew how to count.

    The interesting thing about motherhood is that, just as we master one skill, it’s time to lay it aside and figure out how to master a new one. Our roles as mothers are dynamic, always changing and requiring something new as our children change and grow. But we adapt to those changes. We become what our children need us to be.

    Nonetheless, we often fail to see the wonder of our role as mothers. The mundane and monotonous moments of life tell us a different story. But they don’t have to be the voice we listen to.

    Perhaps one of the most beneficial things we could do for ourselves in this season of life is to ask God what He thinks of us in our role as moms. How does He specifically view you and me? And what does He want us to know about ourselves as we continue to take care of our children?

    Mother’s Day is just around the corner. Although we may not be getting any gifts from our children this year and perhaps have low expectations for the day, God can make it special for us. Whatever He reveals to us, in fact, could be the very best gift Mother’s Day gift that we could ever receive.

  • The Three Trees

    Photo by Roberto Nickson from Pexels of pine trees silhouetted in a night sky

    Liam and I recently worked on a craft project. My sister had given me two wooden blocks a long time ago, so I pulled them out and plopped  Liam up at the table with some non-toxic, green and red paint so that we could make some Christmas signs.

    While Liam happily painted everything in sight (including his face), I was completely caught up in my own project, oblivious to the mess happening just to the side of me.

    I started by painting my block green and had planned to paint “Merry Christmas” in red. Instead, I found myself using more of the green to make Christmas trees.

    It didn’t take long to finish the project, and as I stared down at the three trees on my wood block, I couldn’t help but think of a children’s story I had read years earlier about three trees.

    The full story is worth the read (and you can find it here:  https://bible.org/illustration/story-three-trees), but here’s a summary as well:

    There were three young trees that had big dreams for when they grew up. One wanted to be made into a treasure chest to hold great treasure. Another wanted to be a big and powerful boat to take great kings across the sea. And the third simply wanted to stay put and grow tall, pointing up to heaven and reminding people of God.

    The trees grew up and the first tree was chopped down and taken to a carpenter. But instead of becoming a treasure chest, she was transformed into a feeding box for animals, covered in dust and full of hay. But one day a couple came and laid their baby in this manger, and the tree knew in that moment that she was holding the greatest treasure of all.

    The second tree got excited when he was taken to a shipyard. But instead of being made into a strong ship, he was converted into a small sailing boat. But one day, when the boat was caught in a bad storm, one of the weary travelers in the boat caused the storm to cease, and the boat then knew that he was carrying the King of kings.

    The third tree felt confused when she was made into wooden beams and left in a lumberyard. After much time had passed, she was yanked out of the lumberyard and marched in front of a jeering crowd. A man was then nailed to her, and she felt even uglier and colder than before. But on the third day, the earth rejoiced, and she somehow knew that that man had changed everything and that ultimately people would think of God when they thought of her, which was better than any other dream.

    Thinking about this story that day made me think about how much I could relate to the trees. Ever since I was a little girl, I had dreamed about becoming a wife and mother and how great it would be. But just as the second tree did not become the boat he thought he would be, I am not the mom (or wife) I thought I’d be. I have been the small sailboat who isn’t so sure she can handle the big storms of life.

    In all honesty, I have faced disappointment in this role just like each tree did in theirs. I feel disappointed with myself in so many ways. I feel it when I think of how little time I’ve spent planning Liam’s meals for the day or when I let him watch another T.V. show because he’s whining and I’m busy getting lunch ready. I also feel disappointed by how messy the house generally is and how hard it is for me to keep up with chores. I feel disappointed by how unproductive I am as well when it seems like staying home should allow me to be all the more productive.

    Not only am I disappointed by my own faults but also by my circumstances at times. Don’t get me wrong. I love being a mom to Liam and enjoy so many moments with him throughout the day (I can almost hear him giggling right now as I write this and think of all our tickle wars). Nonetheless, it’s hard to accept how monotonous and mundane life is right now, and how meaningless it feels.

    But I know I don’t have to live in that disappointment. I know I can live my life in a meaningful way. The beauty of the story of the three trees is that, although they didn’t become what they had wanted to, their dreams were nonetheless fulfilled in different ways, and their lives had become meaningful because Jesus had been a part of them.

    Although motherhood is proving to be a very different journey than what I had anticipated, I recognize today that something greater than my dreams is fulfilled in it and it is more meaningful than what I could have ever imagined it to be when I allow Jesus to be a part of it. And that, my friend, is better than any other dream.

  • Jesus Loves Me

    Picture of my keyboard

    I sang “Jesus Loves Me” to Liam a few evenings ago. It’s not a song I sing to him often because I sing other songs to him as part of our bedtime routine.

    This night, however, I was praying once again that Liam would understand and accept the Gospel message at an early age, and I felt compelled to sing “Jesus Loves Me” to him after praying.

    The simple refrain nearly brought tears to my eyes as I remembered a Christian radio program I had heard that explained the origins of the song. Anna Bartlett Warner was its composer, and she was a simple woman who didn’t think much about herself or feel like she had much to offer God. Nonetheless, she offered Him all that she had and was content to do menial and mundane tasks for Him.

    In her mind, her older sister Susan was the talented one whom God would use mightily. She was writing an important novel, after all! Anna merely saw herself as a woman playing a supportive role to others making an eternal impact. She did this specifically with her sister by creating the words to a song that her sister could use in her novel—the song that we now know today as “Jesus Loves Me.”

    Little did Anna know that, as the years went by, mothers around the world would be singing her song to their young children as they tucked them into bed at night. Little did she know that her song would create a foundation of faith in children, helping them to believe in God’s love for them even as they grew and became adults. And little did she know that her song would long outlive her, still so widespread, well known, and loved even more than a century after her passing.

    Thinking of Anna’s story that night caused me to think about another one from more modern times. This story took place with a group of American college students that went to Chile on a mission trip during their summer break. Since they didn’t speak much Spanish, they were happy to run into a student that was studying English on the campus where they were ministering. This student, however, was disinterested in what they had to say and didn’t feel shy about letting them know it! The students gave this young woman a Gospel tract before leaving campus that day.

    Although I can’t be certain how they felt, I imagine that particular day left them feeling discouraged and wondering if they were making any real impact. Little did they know how God was working in their midst!

    Months later, that same young woman was cleaning out her sock drawer and found the Gospel tract the students had given her. She read it and came to faith in Jesus that day. Shortly afterwards, she joined staff with the same organization with which the American students had gone to Chile. And years later, she is still working in full-time ministry alongside her husband (my brother) and her sweet children.  That day in Chile had an impact. The small gesture of giving a Gospel tract to a disinterested English student had an impact. And that impact has made way for further impact of the Gospel to people of different nations. Many have been blessed as a result of my sister-in-law’s faith in Christ. My family and I have been too.

    Stories like these touch me deeply, because in a time of life where I feel largely unseen and unknown, I wonder if I am making any real impact in the world myself. I believe that I am planting seeds into my young son’s heart, but what will become of those seeds? Will they bring forth fruit? Will there be a plentiful harvest as a result of all this planting?

    Sometimes I wonder if Billy Graham’s mom had these same questions. When her son was a young boy, did she wonder if God was using her too? Did she go about her day completing her daily tasks and praying that God was somehow using her to make an eternal difference in the midst of it all?

    The stories of Anna Bartlett Warner and the American college students help me to believe afresh that God is often working in ways far beyond what we can see and that He could be using me in ways that I do not yet comprehend, and that really encourages me.

    These stories, however, also cause me to believe that perhaps my focus should not be so much on how I can make an impact on this world but how I can glorify God while I’m here. This seems to have been Anna’s focus, and she gained so much in living this way.

    The truth is, I may never know the full impact of my life here on earth. But ultimately I don’t need to. What I need is to know that I am living each day to please God. In doing so, He could use me in ways far beyond my wildest dreams.

  • Faithful are the Wounds of a Friend

    Picture of wreaths we made earlier this year

    A good friend of mine came over several days ago. It is becoming a custom for us to get together every week. She comes to my house so that my son (Liam) can roam around freely and do his thing, although we don’t always stay home the whole time. Sometimes we make Costco runs or go to Hobby Lobby. Other times we stay in and do crafts together or make some sort of treat. Our times together generally involve sharing a meal, and they are always characterized by deep, heartfelt conversation seeped in faith.

    This last time was no different, although parts of our conversation were harder than usual. It started off when my friend told me that she thought I seemed pretty self-aware. I came across that way, at least, and she believed it must be the case. But if what she believed was true, then was I aware when I was getting irritated with my son?

    I confessed to her that I was aware of it and that it was something I really struggled with. It was something I had even cried about at times and had asked my mom and younger sister to pray about on numerous occasions. And I prayed about it most nights myself, crying out to God to make me into the mom that my little boy needed. But it was still a struggle, and most days I found myself snapping at Liam at one point or another.

    My friend gave me some advice and told me she’d be praying for me. I hated talking to her about this because it was humbling and made me feel more vulnerable than I wanted to. And yet this conversation made me appreciate her all the more. It showed me how much she cared about Liam and his well-being, and I felt cared for in that as well.

    I was talking to my younger sister about this conversation later on that evening, and she said the very thing that I had been thinking not long after that original conversation—“Faithful are the wounds of a friend” (Proverbs 27:6).

    The next morning I woke up wanting to make all sorts of justifications for my behavior toward my son. I knew other moms that would get angry at their kids and yell at them. Being a mom is stressful! Chances are that if you are reading this blog, you probably already know that and have been experiencing that truth far before I have (especially considering my son is not yet two). I knew these thoughts didn’t make my actions right though. I wanted to be a reflection of Christ to Liam. I wanted to point him to a perfect Father. So how was I going to do that when I was giving into my own sinful reactions?

    As I’ve pondered my conversation with my friend these last few days and have thought about how I’ve been responding to Liam, I have recognized that I need a change in perspective.

    So much of life right now with a toddler is a lot of work because nothing seems to come easy. The diaper changes (or trying to get him to sit on his potty), getting him dressed, going to the store, going to bed—all of it. But there are so many sweet moments sprinkled throughout the day that would refresh me if I would only let them.

    Recently I’m finding that if I spend part of my morning reminding myself of those sweet moments to come, I am better able to respond to the hardships that day brings. I am able to see Liam as a blessing and joy when I do that, and it seeps into my interactions with him and in turn makes him feel special.

    I am also finding that waking up before Liam does really helps as well. It is hard for me to do so as of late because I have to wake up when it is still dark and cold out thanks to the fact that Liam is an early riser. But as difficult as it is for me to get out of bed, I never regret doing so. The time I get to spend with the LORD before my little guy wakes up and the chance to get in some exercise or straighten up the house a little helps me to feel a little more ready for the day.

    I have a long ways to go in becoming the mother I would like to be to my son, but I am comforted in knowing that God specifically chose me to be Liam’s mom, and I trust He is doing something good through that and will continue to help me to become more like Him in the process. In the meantime, I’m glad for faithful wounds from friends who care enough to give their input in love. That, in itself, is a gift from God.