Journal Entries and Mind Battles

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I debated about whether to post this or not. Perhaps I wouldn’t at all had I written this more recently. The body of this post is from a journal entry from August of 2008, however, so I feel a little more inclined to share.

I stumbled upon this journal entry recently while going through old diaries. I’ve been carrying around a heavy box of journals I’ve been collecting since over two decades ago, and as we look ahead to a move at the end of spring, I’ve been determined to lighten our load and to rid myself of anything that does not need to travel with my family and me. Thus, I’ve been reading through old journals, trying to determine what is worth keeping and what can stay behind.

Most of what I’ve read so far has been embarrassing, to be honest. I’ve been revisiting the thoughts of a young woman who had areas in her life where she desperately needed to be set free. The lies I had believed as a girl and carried into young adulthood were still binding me up and determining my most every move.

The entry I share is no different. Most of it is filled with a wrong mindset about my Maker. I see a shift in my thoughts, however, as I continue to read this particular entry. A small glimmer of hope streams through the dark clouds of my mind as I consider another perspective that, although perhaps not completely accurate, is trying to grasp ahold of the truth and God’s deep love for me.

Here’s the entry I wrote back then:

 08/8/2008

It’s raining outside. The storms here in Morelia scare me. The thunder cracks as if a big whip had just whizzed through the air. It rumbles with a passion.

The first thing I wonder is if God is mad at me. I have so many issues with Him right now. I wonder if His heart is good towards me. I wonder if He’ll ever give me what I want most. I wonder why He would want me to hope to only see those hopes continually thrashed and left bleeding in pieces. I wonder if He just wants to use me and nothing more. Am I a pawn to do His bidding? Does He care about my feelings and desires and fears, or does He only care about those things that He can use for His master schemes?

But then I hear the thunder again, and I hear it as a passionate groan, a deep mourning. Could it be that God is sobbing because of this very heart I claim He knows nothing about? Could it be that He feels desperate for me to see the war Satan is raging on my life? Could it be that He is watching in silent agony and begging me not to listen to the lies?

Several months after writing this, I went on to discover just how many lies I had been believing. God did a wonderful work in my life and my heart to free me of many strongholds. For me, it was nothing short of miraculous. He did within me what I didn’t think was possible. It certainly wasn’t possible without His Spirit working within me.

I don’t share this post lightly, and I’m not completely comfortable putting these thoughts out there, either. I share these ideas, however, because I think that the way I felt in this journal entry is not that all uncommon. We all have our hang ups and wrong thought patterns that seem determined to dominate our minds, and we’ll never fully be free from these struggles until Jesus takes us home. My hope, however, is that the words I’ve written today can encourage others to challenge their own perspective on their circumstances and help them to see life through the lens of God’s goodness, mercy, and grace. I sure learned a lot about such things in the months that ensued after writing that entry! My life was forever changed.

If, like me, you have struggled with similar thoughts, I pray that you will see how God desires to truly set you free. He has so many wonderful gifts in store for us, but the best one of all—the one that allows us to enjoy all others—is living with a mind that has truly been set free by our Savior. Let’s aim to grasp ahold of that freedom together again and again in this battle of our minds. It’s worth the fight!

For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery.”

Galatians 5:1

For the weapons of our warfare are not of the flesh but have divine power to destroy strongholds. ⁵ We destroy arguments and every lofty opinion raised against the knowledge of God, and take every thought captive to obey Christ.’

2 Corinthians 10:4-5